I loved you more than life itself. I gave up too much to please you. I let go of my most treasures to be perfect for you. I gave up my nights to be in your presence. Gave up my late nights just to talk to you. Changed my hair, because you loved it differently. Grew insecure in my own skin because you liked them lighter. Spent all my savings because you liked them with a little make up. Skipped meals to look good in those jeans you liked. Broke my ankles in those heals you said made my legs look great for you. Went under the knife to make my breasts firmer. I did a nose job for you. You wanted me to be perfect for you and I did. But you still left.
When you left, my heart was torn apart. I lost meaning. I had no one to turn to. Nowhere to run to. You said you w
ere leaving me for better, thought I was your best. Thought I gave you all. Thought I had it all. I cried to you. Got on my knees and apologized for what I had not done. You were my one true love. But you left unapologetically. You showed me the door. You told me to go find where I belonged for I didn’t belong with you. I waited hours, days, months and years.
Three years down the road, you’re at my door step. But honey, I’m stronger now. I got back on my feet. I fought hard and became the woman I was always meant to be without you in life. I fell in love with everything about me. I didn’t allow to be crippled by your betrayal and rejection. I picked up my crown and fixed it perfectly on my head. I now do the things I love, go to places I want to, hang out with people I want to have a good time with. I’m no longer a slave to your bondage. I’m no longer your possession. I make my own rules now, chase my own dreams. I have built a new foundation and I’m still building. So bye felicia because my heart is on a diet.
Show me your deepest scars and I’ll kiss them until they fade away. Draw me closer to your heart and I’ll guarantee it constantly beats right. Let me touch you, give me a chance to make you feel whole again. Share your fears with me and we shall conquer them together. Let me take you to a very beautiful place, one you’ll never leave. Stay by my side, let me love you right.
Through the good and bad I’ll by your side. I’ll make sure you see the beauty in everything. I’ll take you to the wild and calm. Let’s build our empire. Let’s rule it side by side. Be my king and I’ll be your queen forever. And I’ll make it certain that crown never gets scratched or cracked. Let’s reach the climax of our lives together. Let’s be thee team.
Tell me about your dreams, let’s accomplish them together. Tell me your losses and I’ll minimise the damage. Tell me the places you love, let’s explore the world together. Tell me the foods you love, let’s. Tell me your heart’s desire, let me spoil you. Tell me about your tough days, give me a chance to blow off the steam. Tell me when things are going wrong and you can’t take it anymore, I’ll strengthen and fight the battle with you. Tell me, you want me to love you right and I’ll love you in the best way.
The heart is broken. The soul longs for redemption. Torn from the inside. Lacerated beyond repair. Cold blood running in the veins. Fighting this toxic mind but constantly losing. Torn between mending and destroying further more. The fear of permanent damage has crippled the soul. Bones are shattering. Slowly losing it from the inside. Mind exploding with thoughts. Fighting endless battles. Brain melting down drip by drip. Crying out for help but can not be heard. Bitterness has covered the largest portion over time. Trying to find beauty in the ugly. There isn’t hope though. The heart is so weak. It’s clouded by sadness. Painted in distress. The mind is absorbed by absence. It’s afflicted with grief. The pain is unbearable. Neurotic running through the veins. Slowly losing humanity.
Composure eases. But for a moment. Brightness on the outside. A joyous personality. Drawing happiness to everyone. Building a relent energy for everyone else. With the disguise of a happy face. The beauty of nature wipes out the cruel mind, not for long though. Like a Disney princess, the hair is perfect; smooth and silky. Her big brown eyes set every room she walks in ablaze. The red lipstick compliments her beautiful dark chocolate skin. The high healthy cheek bones add brightness to the smile. The vigorous energy is attractive to many. The beauty in the charismatic manner charms everyone. She carries bravery and an amiable smile that leaves everyone with amusement.
Evenings are by far her best time of personal escape
The other day she was seated on a very comfortable rock watching the sun break away
At the back of her mind was a question that never leaves
“What is my idea of a beautiful future?”
For a minute there she broke down
Feeling tears down her cheeks
Broke her heart in the most unimaginable way
She looked around and admired the work of art in nature
And asked herself
Am I living right?
As a child and throughout the process of growing up
She has not enjoyed the luxury of having perfect relationships
Intimacy is probably one of her biggest fears
Attachments have left her with one unanswerable question
Am I doing right?
So as the moon peeped through the clouds and the cold ran through her
She walked slowly back home
On her way back, she met a beautiful couple holding hands
She did not just admire them, she was happy for them
They were so young and vibrant
They shared the type of energy she has not been able to have as an individual
And she wondered
Don’t I deserve to be happy?
All her life she has been clouded by the anger towards herself for not making things right
She thought she was the problem
That forgot she deserved happiness
That she deserves the good things life has to offer
She actually forgot that besides everything else everyone contributes in my life
There is that spark within her that’s waiting to be let out
The person within her that deserves to see the beauty in life
How does she unleash happiness?
Being an introvert has left her in an alarming situation
Specifically to the people closest
The few friends that she has have tried to understand her
But how does the rest of the world view her
What opinions do they have about her
These are the questions she does not care about
How does she see that she makes it through the day
Handling every situation in the right manner
Because at the end of the day, the one thing she cares about is asking herself
Am I happy?
To her, happiness comes in a lot of different ways
The most little things can bring a magnitude of happiness
Big achievements at that
Even when she gets an opportunity to make someone happy, she does not let it pass her by
She genuinely believes happiness is of great influence on individual growth
That’s why she posses;
Are you happy?
It hits me just like a boomerang
It sticks then just fades away
Sometimes it’s beautiful and I want it to stay forever
But it turns around and shutters me to the core
But hey, I keep going back to the same place
With the knowledge of what I’ll get on the other side
Will I ask for it to stay forever? I don’t know, but I sure hope so
Contrary to that is like a worst song to my ears, one I can not resist
The impending urge to have it going right has left me with a lot of broken pieces
Often, I stand on my guard to beat up the will power in me
But my mind fights me to let it all go
These little pieces want to reunite and be whole again
I know the bridge between us needs to be mend
I want to put it all off my shoulder
Though the odds make a great deal of sense
With the constant heartache
I’m unapologetically stuck here
I’m meant to stay
~Sheena Abi Sandria
I like to bring myself to a calm collected environment. I don’t want anything to deprive my happy state. Closed doors, loud music, and complete silence else where. Am I a prisoner of my own self, that I can argue for a life time. As much as it doesn’t sound or seem like, I like my own company. Blending in has always been something I sucked at until it hit me like, how about you find the beauty in your own company.
Many times I tell myself, this is not the energy you want but I look at the brighter side of it, I have learnt to take charge of flaws, set my own rules, get my own space at that, see things a little bit differently, fix my mistakes, made peace with the past. It has come in handy for me.
I remember wishing everything could just go away, blaming myself for all the catastrophes that were increasingly infringing. Crying myself to sleep every night didn’t make things better but it did make me stronger because I realised every other night that I needed to get better to get myself in better state.
On several occasions I wished I could just teleport to nowhere if only it was worth the take. Countless times I imagined myself in a much better place, far from perfect which sadly didn’t make sense at all. But hey! a girl found happiness even when all is not right, it is her pain killer.
Never thought I would see myself that happy, because I thought maybe happiness would make everything better than it already was. Every break of dawn reminded me of your redolent, thinking of how I wanted it allover my body. With you it was always a better place to be, there isn’t a day that passed without giving myself a hear-hear at keeping it together with my life because you were all I ever needed. But just like that you shuttered my heart leaving every single nerve on a lock down, you left me to vultures with no forces of defense. You took away my innocence and left me for the dirt.