Jk being my bias, second to Tae Tae of course. I’m a huge fan of his work. Most of you probably don’t know what I’m talking about, nevertheless hail to the December line. That avowed, let’s just cut to the chase. For the past two years I’ve been having anxiety, you know the kind that wants you to keep away from the rest of the world and have your mind bustling, yes it is that bad. Gosh, it’s got me going wild precisely because I’m petrified I might have taken a road that I’m not ready to face, one that I don’t feel an ounce of passion for. I am studying a course that I have zero interest in, that’s a bomb drop. Believe you me, it is so excruciating. Rona got me having more time on my sleeve, who am I kidding, my routine has been the same even before this pandemic got most of us going through the 7 stages of change. Alright, just so I can convince myself further, I think with a break from school work, I’ve been having plenty of that time.
When I’m not catching up on my fav dramas, playing with words, streaming, perhaps applauding a work of art Tae Tae is (a girl’s gotta fan girl) my head is filled up with questions from everywhere yet channeling to one thing, my future. I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity worrying about what tomorrow’s got in store for me. I’ve spent all these years in uni chasing something I don’t want, but I have to, because well, society. Before you hoop on why we’re always blaming society, it’s because it is what is it, I’m not going to stress this any further. Those at the top of the food chain get the benefits, you know what they say, “he who pays the piper calls the tune.” So what do you do when you’re not, you fight, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. But a fight without vigor is a useless one. My head is in a completely different direction, nonetheless I have to make room for the fight.
After over two years of having battles in my mind, I’m thinking, should I drop everything and start back from square one in pursuit of something I love and want to go to the ends of the world for, my dream. I have had nifty discussions with some people with experience in the field and you know what most of them utter at the end of this, you eat what you’re served. In other words, you have to settle for less if you want to be relevant. But my head’s still stuck to, can’t I make my own dish, I mean I want to be able to decide what my appetizer, main course and dessert is. Why am I being put in the position to second guess my potential because of what the result might be. I want to just go for what I really want and ace it. One thing is for sure, nothing without effort produces good results, if it does, then it is sheer luck, except; who is ready to bet their lives on that.
I feel like I’m suffocating in this world of, “what is expected of me.” I mean, I just want to take risks, know my onions, parade my mojo, embrace and love what I decide to settle for in future. My mentor often tells me, “Sheena, you have your whole life ahead and therefore you don’t need to worry, focus on now.” I always affirm to that with the fact at the back of my mind that, I’m not getting any younger either. I ask myself, isn’t time catching up on me, though. I know everyone’s got their own timing, but what if this is my time and I’m letting it slip right through my fingers. Isn’t it only safe that I take my chances. I mean, what if I’m missing out on my time doing what is expected of me and putting what I really want to do on the sidelines.
The future is inevitable and precise, but it may not occur. God lurks in the gaps. ~Jorge Luis Borges
A girl can only hope someday she finna find her time!