Finna find my time

Jk being my bias, second to Tae Tae of course. I’m a huge fan of his work. Most of you probably don’t know what I’m talking about, nevertheless hail to the December line. That avowed, let’s just cut to the chase. For the past two years I’ve been having anxiety, you know the kind that wants you to keep away from the rest of the world and have your mind bustling, yes it is that bad. Gosh, it’s got me going wild precisely because I’m petrified I might have taken a road that I’m not ready to face, one that I don’t feel an ounce of passion for. I am studying a course that I have zero interest in, that’s a bomb drop. Believe you me, it is so excruciating. Rona got me having more time on my sleeve, who am I kidding, my routine has been the same even before this pandemic got most of us going through the 7 stages of change. Alright, just so I can convince myself further, I think with a break from school work, I’ve been having plenty of that time.

When I’m not catching up on my fav dramas, playing with words, streaming, perhaps applauding a work of art Tae Tae is (a girl’s gotta fan girl) my head is filled up with questions from everywhere yet channeling to one thing, my future. I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity worrying about what tomorrow’s got in store for me. I’ve spent all these years in uni chasing something I don’t want, but I have to, because well, society. Before you hoop on why we’re always blaming society, it’s because it is what is it, I’m not going to stress this any further. Those at the top of the food chain get the benefits, you know what they say, “he who pays the piper calls the tune.” So what do you do when you’re not, you fight, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. But a fight without vigor is a useless one. My head is in a completely different direction, nonetheless I have to make room for the fight.

After over two years of having battles in my mind, I’m thinking, should I drop everything and start back from square one in pursuit of something I love and want to go to the ends of the world for, my dream. I have had nifty discussions with some people with experience in the field and you know what most of them utter at the end of this, you eat what you’re served. In other words, you have to settle for less if you want to be relevant. But my head’s still stuck to, can’t I make my own dish, I mean I want to be able to decide what my appetizer, main course and dessert is. Why am I being put in the position to second guess my potential because of what the result might be. I want to just go for what I really want and ace it. One thing is for sure, nothing without effort produces good results, if it does, then it is sheer luck, except; who is ready to bet their lives on that.

I feel like I’m suffocating in this world of, “what is expected of me.” I mean, I just want to take risks, know my onions, parade my mojo, embrace and love what I decide to settle for in future. My mentor often tells me, “Sheena, you have your whole life ahead and therefore you don’t need to worry, focus on now.” I always affirm to that with the fact at the back of my mind that, I’m not getting any younger either. I ask myself, isn’t time catching up on me, though. I know everyone’s got their own timing, but what if this is my time and I’m letting it slip right through my fingers. Isn’t it only safe that I take my chances. I mean, what if I’m missing out on my time doing what is expected of me and putting what I really want to do on the sidelines.

The future is inevitable and precise, but it may not occur. God lurks in the gaps. ~Jorge Luis Borges

A girl can only hope someday she finna find her time!

Save some for yourself!

I always tell my friends and colleagues on how they need to save some love for themselves. And oftentimes people ask me, “have you been hurt in the past.” I nonchalantly respond, “why.” The irony of answering a question with one, it’s the Ugandan in me, I won’t deny🤷🏾‍♀️ Here’s what runs through my head though, does someone have to have been hurt to put themselves first (come to think of it, unless you experience something, you’ll never know its impact). Honestly, the hurting I went through is what brought me here. The twenty something years that I’ve lived have been a roller coaster ride, I’ve gone back and forth times I can count. Simply because I didn’t know that loving myself a little more was more important than I thought. I have watched myself crawl but to toxicity, not once not twice, but a couple of a hundred times.

I used to be a softie that put everyone I cared about before me, look where that got me. Validation, you know that one thing that has got most of us swimming in oceans for our tribe. Yes, I’ve done that, but where are those people right now, I don’t even know what they are about today. I was as loyal as a tamed dog. Fam I went through hoops for people. I had me a big circle and for some reason (stupidity, well I was not going to point it out that I was stupid..but you get what I mean)

Fast forward, I was left hurt, broken, hopeless and annoyed at the world. At a point I became a sadist. I always put them first. I was betrayed by people that were so dear to my heart. But there’s this one, that hit real hard and that’s when I realized I needed me a me! I realized I owed me a lot. I decided to go back to factory setting and inserted spilled milk is already spilled, so there’s no point in crying about it. I started to take care of myself more, slayed my demons myself, erased all the memories made. Drew a line between me everyone that didn’t value my worth. Long story short, I threw out all the dirty linen. I don’t know why it took me so long, because my mom always reassures me of how special I am, how I am worth more than I think, how I should never let anyone make feel otherwise. (This woman is my rock, I tell you)

You’re probably reading and thinking, “so cliche.” When last did you decide to go have a nice meal by yourself? When last did you go on a trip by yourself? When last did you decide on doing something to make you happy by yourself? Are you someone who can’t go to a certain rendezvous by yourself because your circle is held up? Perhaps can’t go to an event you’ve waited all year long, because your friends are not going. Take a moment to reflect on that.

Reflect fam, reflect!

Loving yourself means taking time to make you happy for you, not so that so and so can know you’re happy. Staying away from anything that dims your light. Embracing your imperfections. Taking care of yourself; be it health or mental state. Making time to better yourself; learning a new language, perhaps taking that knitting class, absolutely anything as long as you perfect that area (you don’t have to be really perfect, get what you need) Exploring things that make you happy; be it photography, adventure (fam, you know what gets you smiling from ear to ear…Go for it!)

I for one, believe when you love yourself enough, you won’t have people preying on your feelings, you won’t fall victim to depression and its atrocities, you’ll take everyday as an opportunity handed over to you and live it up to the best way you can, you’ll be able to surround yourself with people that make you shine brighter, sis, you’ll glow in out. I would probably spend the whole day talking about the beauty in loving yourself (but I’ll save that for another day)

I’ll tell you this from my personal experience, the more you love yourself, the more you learn how best to give this love to other people. Today, I’ve been able to have harmonious relationships compared to the toxic ones I had before. I’ve been able to live by my terms and not let my friends have a big impact on the decisions I make. Boy oh boy, did I mention I have found genuine happiness. I mean the happiness that gets you happy, am I making sense.

You need to be mindful of the people you surround yourself with. “Friends” that don’t celebrate your wins despite the size, those that don’t compliment you because they don’t want you to know how great you are, those that always make things about them even when it’s about you, be it those that are not there for you emotionally, people that make you feel like you’re the one in wrong even you’re not. Break free from this bondage. They don’t deserve you.

Remember you don’t owe anyone anything, you have the right to take a turn that you see best fit for you. There are many people out there who are fighting so many demons and the best way they can over come this is by throwing all their burden on you. They’ll talk, mock the choices you make. But keep being headstrong, perhaps you shook up their ego a little bit and that’s why they’re being the way they’re..but who cares! STAY AWAY FROM EVERY ONE, I repeat EVERY ONE, THAT KEEPS BRINGING UP YOUR PAST. It’s not your responsibility to watch their feelings when you express exactly how you feel. Tell them exactly what you don’t like and don’t second guess your decision in order to keep them around.

Nothing anybody ever does is ultimately because of you. Alot of time people mask their care for you with insults because they feel out of control when they look at you and the only way they can regain that control is to behave in a way that makes them feel powerful.

Your peace matters more, protect it.

Blood ties, my foot!

Yes I said it, to hell with blood ties. Before you start getting all grumpy with me please hold your horses. You’re probably curious what blood ties did to deserve this, I’m talking about these dim witted rapists in the shape of relatives. I don’t know how to take in the fact that society can walk over the fact that the person supposed to protect you from the cruelty of this world is the same person that can send you to the fiery pit.

A couple of days ago I was going through my Twitter feed and came across one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. People in the shape of father, brother, uncle, bottom line all the male figures in the lives of the females in question are the reason men are trash (I for one, have never used this term but I’m gonna make an exception) should never be eradicated.

Twitter, 27th January 2020

Oh! What is the popular line used, he is family after all, you’re bound to forgive him, Rubbish, to you, you, you and you that think such pests should be living among us. I mean, don’t all bugs get fumigated, then why in the world should these sorry excuses of human beings be exempted. I mean, I want to understand how this works, do blood ties come with a manual of blowing off idiocy.

Now here is the thing that has been baffling me ever since I learnt, in detail, the issues concerning rape. How is a mother, sister, friend of the victim going to sit around and say, I know so and so hurt you, but he is your family you have to forgive him. My friend, choke on those words, sorry not sorry. I mean do you know what it means being ripped off your innocence by the very person supposed to keep you safe. Do you know the agony of looking in the eyes of someone that ignored your cry and tore you into pieces that can never be sorted.

You know what is even more agitating, victim blaming. I guess you’ve heard of the little ones being yelled at for playing around so much, why did you go playing in your uncle’s room. The innocent adolescents are being criticized for using the wrong routes while going and coming back from the market, the stream, or perhaps running errands. And for the grown woman, you’re a grown ass woman cover up more. How are people with brains that operate like this walking amongst us. Why? Why?

Family you say but do you know what family does for each other, it makes sure such atrocities never happen to you. But will things ever go well for a child who has been exposed to toxicity from the go. This goes for the victim and the witnesses, because like you might have heard, some fathers initiative their sons in this behavior. When will you all stop sugarcoating facts, let’s be forthright. For crying out, how far are you going to conceal these perpetrators. The statistics are heart wrecking.

New vision, 23rd August 2018

Stop parading your amorality, get consent suckers!

Do I have to though!

Is it weird that I don’t have a social? I mean, I ask myself all the time. Why do I get fed up so fast? Why is my paranoia over the roof? Why do I always draw the line? I mean, why aren’t I doing everything people my age are doing. Not that I have a problem with how I am living my life, but I feel like something is wrong somewhere. Before I start whining about my “little” loner life. Why do y’all have all these little faces you wear? Anyway, I’ll just go ahead like that never crossed my mind. But I’ll ask again, do I need a social life? Like do I have to be all up in people’s faces laughing in agony. Remember what I said, “my paranoia is over the roof.”

Friends” the figurative that has turned me into a bitter human being. I crave a world of genuineness. A world that makes the word paranoid lose meaning. A world full of color. Okay, now I am being too demanding I know. Think about it though, don’t you need it too? Uni is the one place that has shown me who I really am. Like, I can be around y’all but I really want to be alone. Is it this making sense or I should just go ahead and keep rumbling. I love how everyone here has their own story. A lot of different stories, I must say I’ve learnt from most of these.

I don’t have that much friends but the ones I call friends are the real ones, and you know they don’t make those anymore. My cousin always says, “Sheena, make some new friends everywhere you go” I mean she says it all the time that it has no meaning to it. Bruh!! I am a very quiet and reserved specie (I know everyone that knows me too well, is screaming “hell to the no” right now) okay yeah, I can be a loud mouth and by loud mouth I mean very loud, on very rare occasions though. What am saying is, I speak when I am spoken to and that’s it.

So back to what I was saying, I have met quite a handful of people and like I said everyone has got a story. But here is the thing, I have a story too and half of my story is this, are friendships meant to be held dearly against all odds? I for one believe, at one point in life you gotta let go. Let go for you, period! You see me here, I have a very big heart and this I have given to a lot of those I have met. I care for my tribe so deeply. I ride for my people like, real hard. Not to blow my own horn, but there’s no better way to put it.

With this little big heart of mine, I created room for every Tom, Dick and Harry, of course it wore out eventually. I have watched my self turn from a big softie to I don’t know what, and I am really wondering if it is worth it. Like all these people had the audacity to come and leave patches on my heart. Well it’s big but not prone to damage.

Which brings me back to my point, do I really need a social life? Do I need to share my story with someone? DoI need to stick around and listen to their story? Jeosonghabnida, but I’m not going to do that!

Lorn

The heart is broken. The soul longs for redemption. Torn from the inside. Lacerated beyond repair. Cold blood running in the veins. Fighting this toxic mind but constantly losing. Torn between mending and destroying further more. The fear of permanent damage has crippled the soul. Bones are shattering. Slowly losing it from the inside. Mind exploding with thoughts. Fighting endless battles. Brain melting down drip by drip. Crying out for help but can not be heard. Bitterness has covered the largest portion over time. Trying to find beauty in the ugly. There isn’t hope though. The heart is so weak. It’s clouded by sadness. Painted in distress. The mind is absorbed by absence. It’s afflicted with grief. The pain is unbearable. Neurotic running through the veins. Slowly losing humanity.

Composure eases. But for a moment. Brightness on the outside. A joyous personality. Drawing happiness to everyone. Building a relent energy for everyone else. With the disguise of a happy face. The beauty of nature wipes out the cruel mind, not for long though. Like a Disney princess, the hair is perfect; smooth and silky. Her big brown eyes set every room she walks in ablaze. The red lipstick compliments her beautiful dark chocolate skin. The high healthy cheek bones add brightness to the smile. The vigorous energy is attractive to many. The beauty in the charismatic manner charms everyone. She carries bravery and an amiable smile that leaves everyone with amusement.

Tell me!

Tell me
How am I supposed to look him in the eye and tell him, he means the world to me

Tell me
How am I supposed to forget the constant rumbling
The late nights of screams and crying
The attempted murders
The stench of alcohol from a long night of drinking
The fear of losing a mother because of your brutality

Tell me
How am I supposed to forget the fear you tattooed on my heart
The hate shielding my heart to create room for love

Tell me
Why did you have to be like that
Why did you steal my childhood from me
Why did you shutter my mom’s heart
Why did you bring nothing but tears to us
Why did you have to be like that

So tell me
How am I supposed to love the man that loves me so dearly with all these bruises under my skin
How am I supposed to be in his arms and believe he is my safe haven
How am I supposed to look him in the eye and see love when all I saw in yours was despair

Tell me
How am I supposed to trust him with my heart if my own father didn’t hold mine for even just a second!

Dear Society

You see the light in me
Have you looked closely though
I am deranged in darkness
My sadness is shielded by a smile
Bruises sealed in foundation

You see a fire in me
But it is ice cold from my end
I am so scared
Scared of a human touch
My soul has been crippled

You see me wild out
But I am still
Afraid of what I might do to myself
When I turn the wild down
I am drowning

Drowning in who you want me to be!